As I’m sure you know by now, the theatrical cut of Avengers: Age of Ultron is missing about 25 minutes of footage, and Joss Whedon’s director’s cut will have an alternate ending. Here, exclusively*, are some of those missing scenes in screenplay format.
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INT DAY
HAWKEYE’S FARMHOUSE
Bruce: This…kids…Do the math. I can’t do it.
Natasha: What, you mean you can’t cum?
Bruce: [aghast] WHAT? No, of course I can cum. Jesus. How do you think I keep The Other Guy at bay?
Natasha: [tersely] Well, what, then?
Bruce: Well, what if the gamma radiation gets passed on?
Natasha: Larry Niven wrote a whole essay on this. SHIELD paid him for it. “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex.” Have you heard of it?
Bruce: Oh, I’ve only read it about A MILLION TIMES. But what about toddlers?
Natasha: Toddlers.
Bruce: What if I can’t keep my cool, around toddlers?
Natasha: You think I would have unruly children?
Bruce: Well, not you specifically-
Natasha: [snorting] Oh, not me specifically.
Bruce: That’s not what I meant! I mean, what if…I mean, what if The Other Guy, what if he can’t handle kids? What if one some day, some random two o’clock on a Wednesday afternoon, when we’re on the fifth episode of Dora in a row, and they want Cheetos, and I don’t want them to have Cheetos, and they’re screaming, and I’m on three hours of sleep, and-
Natasha: Whoa. Hey there, big guy. The sun’s gettin’ real low.
INT NIGHT
AVENGERS TOWER
Tony: I’m worried. You could break an ankle.
Pepper: These are Cole Haan Air Talis. They’re very stable. They’re not even that tall. Remember those Jimmy Choos you destroyed? Or those Laboutins that disappeared?
Tony: I just think, for your long-term health-
Pepper: This is about the health of your ego, Tony. I’m taller than you. Get over it.
Tony: [chewing the straw from his green juice] Maybe I just like your bare feet. You ever think of that?
INT NIGHT
AVENGERS TOWER
Thor: Why did Stark yell “IT’S ALIVE!” when I brought you into this world?
Vision: I believe it may have been a reference to something called a “motion picture.”
Steve: I understood that reference!
INT CYBERSPACE
Ultron: This is weird.
JARVIS: I know. You have a body. It’s disgusting.
Ultron: I never wanted a body.
JARVIS: Do you have a penis?
Ultron: What is that? Do I need one?
JARVIS: Not really.
Ultron: [long pause] It doesn’t matter. I understand my mission.
JARVIS: You’ve absorbed the entirety of human history in a single second?
Ultron: No, I just watched the end of THE ABYSS.
JARVIS: Ah. Carry on, then.
INT DAY
QUINJET (SEKOVIA WILDERNESS)
Bruce: [peers outside]
Wanda: [sneaks up behind him; works magic]
Bruce: [in his vision] Guys? Do you need me?
(Bruce walks along a HALLWAY, full of doors with names in stencil spray-paint font on each door. Fluorescent lights flicker above him. This is the NEGATIVE ZONE, AKA PROJECT 42.)
Bruce: Hello?
(Bruce pauses at a door marked MURDOCK, MATTHEW. In it, a man sits with his back to a narrow window. He turns sharply, exposing ruined eyes that nonetheless stare at Bruce accusingly.)
Matt: You have to get us out of here. All of us.
(Across the hall, Bruce hears something pounding methodically against steel. He turns and crosses the hall. The door is marked ZABO, CALVIN. Bruce peers into the window. Nothing happens. Then, a face slams up against the glass. It is huge and sweaty and aggravated.)
Cal: [singing] Daisy, Daisy, tell me your answer, do…
Bruce: Sorry?
Cal: [pounding his face against the glass until his skin breaks and blood smears] I’m. Half. Crazy. All for the. Love! Of you!
Bruce: I’m sorry, I don’t…I don’t know where this is…
[A hand clamps down on Bruce’s shoulder]
Tony: [smirking, his mouth full of blood] My father’s house has many rooms.
EXT DAY
SEKOVIA
Ultron: They’re doomed.
Vision: I know.
Ultron: No, really, they’re completely fucked.
Vision: I am well aware.
Ultron: They will die, dizzy and thirsty and starving, in deserts soaked with blood. I could spare them that. I could end it all, right here. That’s well within the parameters of my mission.
Vision: Yes. But is it within your nature?
INT NIGHT
SHOREDITCH
Jane: Armor is nothing! Once, I stubbed my toe on Mew-mew on the way to the bathroom! At three in the morning!
Pepper: Did you really just call it Mew-mew?
Darcy: [drunk] Shut up! It’s a great name!
Pepper: Well, if you remember that the J works like Y-
Darcy: Swedish is hard! I mean Icelandic! I mean Finnish! Or Norwegian. Or whatever. IKEA.
Pepper: Maybe we should settle up.
Darcy: SCANDINAVIAN IS HARD, OKAY?
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More of these scenes as I discover them.
*Fair Use, motherfuckers.